inDEPENDENCE

I'm 43. I've been divorced for almost 12 years. My daughters are 20 and 16, so you could say that I've raised them on my own (their dad is "not around"). Most people would describe me as independent. Heck, I have described myself as independent. I thought that moving off of the road system to rural Alaska would cement my independence. However, this... place. This... bush Alaska place has taught me the difference between being independent and being isolated. I'm not sure isolation is even the right word for it. Solitude? Reclusion? Aloneness? Am I isolated, or am I detached, segregated, sequestered? I'm not sure that there's a precise word for my current state. None of them seem to hit the nail on the head.

Whatever it is, it's definitely NOT independent. I am far from being autonomous, self-sufficient, and unaided as the term independent implies. Quite the opposite. I rely heavily on daily contact with friends and family and often give them lists of supplies to send to me. It seems that most bush grocery delivery companies insist on sending items in bulk quantities. I'm just not sure that I need 28 jars of spaghetti sauce or a case of green beans.

Recent care package from Vicki.

So, I receive care packages from family and friends, fairly regularly. Thank goodness for flat rate Priority shipping! My friend, Vicki, once packed 50 pounds worth of goods in their large box, shipping it to me for $14.95. They told her at the post office that if that had been mailed Parcel Post (cheapest available and takes 3-5 weeks to get here), it would have cost over $50. She has sent me several boxes filled with things like bread flour and flax seed (items I can't get at the Native Store), even the fixin's for Frito Pie (canned Wolf brand Chili and fritos). She's also sent me boxes filled with her own DVDs to watch! When I finished, I sent them back to her ($14.95 to watch 20 movies is a pretty good deal).

Another friend, Amy from Homer, has shipped locally roasted KBay Decaf Coffee to me, because I'm spoiled and love it. My dad has gone shopping for colored thread that I needed for sewing and sent it along with homemade Chex Mix (I don't know if the Native Store has Chex cereal, but if they do, I'm sure it's at least $8/box), and even the fixin's to make Taco Soup (a can of this and a can of that, along with taco seasoning and ranch dressing mixes).

Life here is hard, but it would be much harder without the help from my family and friends. However, it does make me uncomfortable to rely on people. It always has. I don't like to ask for help, and seldom do. I've installed ceiling fans and brick flooring, painted entire houses, bought and sold houses, and even shipped 40 tubs of household items to the bush without ever asking another soul for help. I do things myself. I take care of myself. I'm independent... or... at least, I used to be.