This Little Light of Mine...

I finally feel healed enough to start writing my book. Really, it’s just a matter of using my blog posts as a skeleton and filling in added details and side stories, adding a little finesse, if you will. It has taken me over five months to get to this point, emotionally, where I feel ready to tackle the subject. I still get teary eyed when I remember leaving Kwethluk. There’s still a part of me that is embarrassed that I wasn’t strong enough to hack it out there. My heart still breaks every time I let myself remember the exclusion, the shunning. But, I have enough support now to go forward. It almost feels like I’m on emotional crutches… but at least I’m out of the wheelchair!

I really had the wind knocked out of me. The wonderful thing is that here, there is plenty of wind to fill my sails. I honestly believe the teens here need me, the Homer News needs me, my friends need me. I didn’t realize how important it is to feel needed. I wasn’t needed in Kwethluk. I was tolerated. I now recognize that I’m worth more than that. I have so much more to give the world.

In a way, I feel like I’ve been hiding my light under a bushel… like that old Gospel tune, “This little light of mine. I’m gonna let it shine… Hide it under a bushel? No! I’m gonna let it shine… Won’t let Satan blow it out. I’m gonna let it shine!” That’s very much how I feel right now.

Fireweed Rhubarb (left) and
Fireweed Strawberry (right) Jelly

My first step in that direction took place last weekend when I entered six items in the Kenai Peninsula State Fair in Ninilchik. I love to cook. I love to can. I know that I’m good at both, yet I’ve never entered a competition in my life. I was hiding my light under a bushel. Of the six items I entered, four won ribbons! I brought home a 3^rd place for my Fireweed Strawberry Jelly and Strawberry Pie, 2^nd place for my Fireweed Rhubarb Jelly, and 1^st Place Blue Ribbon for my kuspuk that I had sewn in Kwethluk this spring. I’m going to start entering cooking competitions when I can and share my gift of cooking more.

1st Place Blue Ribbon Kuspuk

Writing the book and submitting independent chapters along the way to various publications and writing competitions is the next step. “Won’t let Satan blow it out. I’m gonna let it shine!” I’ve been writing for years. I know I’m a gifted writer and have had many people from all walks of life confirm that. However, I’ve never even entered a competition. It’s time. It’s time to stop hoarding my gifts and instead, share them with the world.

The more I do these things, the more it confirms my own existence. Being a single mom is hard in so many ways. In one way, it has given me a reason to seclude myself, to hide my light. I have concentrated so hard on being a mom that I’ve lost a little of me along the way. Now that Sarah is a senior, the day when I will be totally alone is right around the corner. I’ll still be a mom but I’d better be more than that if I want to successfully deal with the inevitable loneliness that will come with having both of my kids away at college.   

So, it’s exciting to know that I can finally tackle my book on the bush. It won’t be long and I’ll be off the crutches!