Overcoming Adversity

We've been watching Freedom Writers in my classes this week, with associated Journal Topics such as Tolerance and Respect & Trust. Today's topic was Overcoming Adversity. Quite timely in my life, as well.

According to a recent YouGov survey, NPR reports that 21% of men and 19% of women admit that they have cheated on their partners. Another 7% elected not to answer the question… hmmmmm. Add to that fact that 28% of women say they have thought about cheating, compared to 41% of men.

You can read a lot into these statistics. Cheaters are, by design, liars. So, I imagine that these numbers are much higher. There are 39 million users of Ashley Madison, an online dating service marketed to people who are looking to have extra-marital affairs. The vast majority of users are men with an estimated ratio of 50:1, men to women. Some countries will not allow Ashley Madison to operate in them because “it promotes adultery and disregards family values.” 

I always knew that there were those people out there, people who cheat. What I never understood was that it could happen to me. My initial reaction was to say, “Everything was great!” “How could I not have known?” “What did I do wrong?”

Then, I remembered. The proverbial red flags.

• He never took me to an after-hours work function.
• Every time he blew up, he wanted to break up.
• We went out to dinner twice in two years.
• He didn’t want to tell anyone at work that he was engaged. “It’s none of their business,” he said.
• He had several email accounts.
• There was a text he received from Kandy, whom he said was a stalker, although, he hadn’t told her he was getting married.
• The strawberry jam that was in his fridge one day hadn’t been there a couple of days ago and he didn’t know where it came from.
• There was woman’s shampoo that appeared in the bathroom linen closet.
• He always seemed to be washing his bed sheets every time I came over.

The list goes on… and on. I brushed it all under the rug. When he was good, he was really good, but when he was bad, he was really bad. There were copious amounts of emotional/verbal abuse, an incident of physical abuse that turned into domestic violence charges and a restraining order, more tears shed than I care to remember, and then more promises.

John left me on Valentine's Day.

After spending three hours on the phone with “the other woman” last night, I now know she was in the exact same position with no knowledge of me. The only blessing for her is that she didn’t marry him. Upon comparing notes, we realized that John “ping ponged” us for a solid year, right through our engagement and marriage. She and I walked the same steps. We heard the same words. We rode a merry-go-round, each thinking we were the only one on the ride.

She ignored red flags, too. An earring I inadvertently left behind. John disappearing for a weekend. He convinced her that he should be able to date others while they were a “couple.” He even asked her to cut her hair and grow out the grey, like I'm doing! She endured the same emotional/verbal abuse, heard the same stories, the same excuses, the same intimate exchanges.

John Inglis denies, avoids, and deflects questions about his relationship with Kandy. I wonder if he believes his own lies or if he just that shallow and empty inside. He is not to be reasoned with. He will not admit responsibility or wrong-doing. It’s a mute point. My biggest concern is that he’ll do this to someone else and I can’t stop that or even warn them.

Kandy and I are stronger now. We have eachother. He has no one. Perhaps, we should send him a “Thank you” card.

Sources:

http://www.channelnewsasia.com/news/singapore/mda-will-block-access-to/879898.html?cid=FBSG

http://www.extremetech.com/internet/213019-new-analysis-shows-over-99-percent-of-the-women-on-ashley-madison-were-fake

http://www.npr.org/2015/07/26/426434619/sorting-through-the-numbers-on-infidelity