10-10-10 – seems like a good day for reflection.
The words of a Gordon Lightfoot song come to mind, “Picking up the pieces of my sweet, shattered dream… I guess it must be wanderlust or trying to get free… Now, the thing that I call living is just being satisfied with knowing I got no one left to blame.”
For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to live in the wilds of Alaska. Away from civilization. Alone. Off the road system. It just seemed like the perfect life to me. A fairy tale of sorts.
Here I am. Yupik village. Off the road system. Away from civilization. I’ve never felt a greater feeling of being alone. It’s far from perfect.
I miss how Book Club feeds my nerdy side. I miss having random TV channels on for background noise. I miss the freedom that a car gives. I miss paging through cooking magazines, picking out a recipe and going to the store for that one special ingredient. I miss long hikes when I worry that I may go too far before turning around and not get back to my car before dark, or exhaustion, sets in. I miss going out for a drink with friends and laughing and dancing until we’re out of breath. I miss going for a long drive on Sunday afternoon and then stopping for a Peanut Butter Shake on the way home. I miss stopping by the winery to taste the latest they have to offer. I miss football games and theatre popcorn and KBay Mochas and coaching DDF. I miss sitting on my deck with a margarita while grilling my dinner and gazing at the snow-capped mountains and glaciers across the bay. I miss being friends with my kids’ parents. I miss my life.
I miss it like a lost love. I miss it and I’m scared that I’ll never get it back. I know that one can never truly go back to a place they were before. It will be different. I will be different. That saying, “God never gives you more than you can handle,” is a lie. People get more than they can handle every day. I feel like I may just break in half any day now.
How can a dream be so misguided? How could the target have been so off course? I have been shaken to the core. My dreams are shattered. Now what? How does someone, at 43, find a new dream? I’m scared to trust myself to dream again.
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The Joyful Journey of the King Cake
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I know you know all of what I'm about to say already, but sometimes reiteration helps. Bear with me, here.
ReplyDeletePeople take risks. Occasionally the gamble turns sour and screws things up six ways from Sunday and there's nothing you can do to get your old life back no matter how badly you want it. As soul-crushing as these moments are, more likely than not you will take some good memories and good things away from the experience. You may meet people you wouldn't have otherwise. It may make you more cautious next time something like this comes up. None of these things will make up for what you've lost, but there's usually some tinge of a silver lining when you look back over your shoulder.
I'm no good at this sort of thing, but from one person who has made colossal mistakes and screwed their life up colossally to another - and I regret the decisions that led me to this point every day and probably will do until either something changes to get me back to the status quo or I die - don't despair. Things have a way of straightening themselves out for most people if they hold on long enough. You've got a good head on your shoulders, a family that loves you, and plenty of good years left. I don't doubt they will for you once you get over this hump.
Even your keel, pick another course, and start sailing.
Wow. Thank you. Who are you?
ReplyDeleteThe scary thing right now is picking another course. I feel like I'll be drifting for a while.
Ok, I'm a stranger, I know absolutely nothing about you than this singular blog post. But I've been where you are in big ways and small.
ReplyDeleteI lived in Bethel long after it was time for me to leave. I lived in a small village in Greece, during which time I could have written every word in your post. Greek villagers had more in common with Yup'ik villagers than I had with either group. Tough times, both. Very tough. I wanted them over.
But now, I cherish both times. I learned from them, I grew from them. I became a different, I think better, person from the experiences I had. I'd do it all again.
I used my alone time, my isolated time, to learn photography, to write, to develop skills that I never would have when cossetted in my "normal" existence. How you choose to spend your time will be different than I did, but take advantage, in a positive way, of the gift of time, which is a rare gift indeed.
In life, there is no single dream that can be shattered. Each day is an opportunity for a new dream. And a good dream at that. One more thing - there's nothing wrong with drifting for awhile.
And if you're incredibly bored, feel free to email me: tasteslikehome[at]hotmail[dot]com
Wow. I don't know who posted these pieces of wisdom; what I do know is that I sure would appreciate having friends like you in my world! Kathy, you have been blessed. --Anya
ReplyDeleteFirst off you are a role model for even trying this adventure. It is something you should be proud of--it is not something many people can say that they have done. Stepping out of your comfort zone is big and for that I admire you.
ReplyDeleteI do not know you but know that it takes guts to do something like this. Cherish the little things and this experience will become better. The tough times are what makes us who we are today and defines our character. I truly believe that you can do this.
The scary thing is that I thought I was stepping in to my comfort zone. Now, I'm not even sure where my comfort zone is. I will definitely document this experience as I go along and hopefully turn it in to a book one day. Meanwhile, putting the words on the page validates the experience for me and is extremely therapeutic.
ReplyDeleteKeep up the awesome work... Whether you are religious or not, just know that there is something there that *you* need -- and that *they* need from you.
ReplyDeleteWe grow in the most trying times and I have a feeling that you (and Sarah!) absolutely will cherish this time for the rest of your lives... I think it will mean more to your relationship with her than you will ever know.
It's not a shattered dream... it's more threads that weave the fabric of your life! And your fabric is going to have colors no one else will have - that's for sure! :D
As a fellow Survivor fan - you know those people say that Survivor changed their lives forever. Stripped of all creature comforts, they learn more about themselves than they did in their years on earth prior to that point!
Embrace it, re-commit, enjoy....(easy for me to say!! I'm off to Wal-Mart and the grocery store right now! :O)
Hang in there, Ms. Amazing...